I decided to read this after reading Maggie Appleton's article on [Gathering Structures. It seems to generally be aimed at making gatherings memorable, special, unique, successful. Most gatherings are not these things, Priya argues, but with a little thought and effort perhaps they could be. Anything from a United Nations meeting to hanging out with friends. Though hanging out is a fine thing to do, that's not the kind of gathering she discusses in this book. Most of it seems aimed at in-person, one-off events that have a lot of flexibility (eg relocating a meeting from new jersey to france). How could these lessons be applied to recurring events, guests with limited flexibility, and online?
Purpose
Most meetings lack purpose. A daily standup meeting, a birthday party, a funeral. These are all categories of events, not a purpose. The form, not the function. In order to create a meaningful gathering, one must step beyond the category, which comes with a bunch of preconceived notions about how one should behave, what activities will occur, social strata, etc. Better than category is a generic sort of purpose. Instead of "quarterly sales meeting" it becomes "to discuss the sales of the previous quarter". This is technically a purpose, but it's still very generic. To move beyond that, ask "why" questions, until you arrive at a specific, contestable purpose for the gathering. Why do we need to discuss the sales of the previous quarter? So we can understand trends in the recent market. Why is that important? Because we need to use that trend information to set goals for this quarter; because we need to decide which product line to kill; because we need to identify which sales channels are most effective and focus more attention on them. A quarterly sales meeting can't have all of these purposes, but it can have one of them. The purpose moves the meeting from just a routine formality that we do because we've always done it, into the realm of something that matters to those who are gathering.
People will be more interested in attending a gathering if they know why they're going to be there. More likely to have success long-term if people are bound together by a more-specific cause (Meetup example). People can also self-select out of attending if they don't see the purpose as relevant to them or they won't have anything to add.
Close doors
One of the benefits of having a specific purpose is that you can use that purpose to help define the gathering. When faced with decisions like "who should attend?" one can choose to invite people specific to the meeting's purpose, without including people who won't further that purpose. Don't invite the sales team to the engineering meeting just because we always have and they'll be insulted to be excluded. Anyone in the gathering that doesn't specifically fit the purpose of the gathering will be a distraction, dilute the intention, detract from achieving the purpose. Conversely, by framing the invitations within the context of purpose, it may make sense to invite people not normally included. Gathering sizes have sweet spots: 8-12, 15-20, 100-150.
Physically close off space appropriate to the gathering so that those who are participating can be their honest open selves within the space of the gathering. Choose a space for the gathering that embodies the purpose of it and furthers its goals. "The room does 80% of the work." If you want everyone to feel free to offer suggestions, don't hold the meeting in a boardroom where the CEO sits at the head of the table and everyone "knows" when it's appropriate for them to speak. Fishbowl inner/outer seating rings, Arthur's round table, lecture hall, public park vs private den, paper plates vs fine china. Create space for the gathering that puts the participants in the right frame of mind, social context, queues them for the type of participation they need to do. Refine purpose by venue selection and arrangement (courtroom, ny times headline meeting, chateau examples). Square footage per person can change the feel of an event as well, less space per person promotes higher engagement, depending on event type. (me: also consider transit, accessibility, time, cost, long-term availability for recurrent gatherings. why is there no discussion of timing?)
Changing the space during the gathering can help people form more distinct memories of it. Random chatting in the lobby, sitting in pews during the wedding ceremony, the receiving line, assigned seating at tables for dinner. Breaking up the space helps different elements of the experience not blur together.
Stick to a single purpose. Don't try to multitask a gathering.
Use of host power
On the one hand, some hosts try to be "chill," not holding onto their place as host and the power it entails. They want to act like a guest at the gathering, participating the same way their guests do. By treating themself as an equal, they don't free the guests to make the most of the gathering as they see fit. Instead it creates a power vacuum, which can be filled by other guests. Someone who is very talkative may hijack the attention of the group, or corner someone into a conversation they're not interested in. Guests may wish for the host to intervene, to protect them. These are examples of the host failing to use the power of host to protect guests, to protect the purpose for which they've gathered. If there's an agenda, the host should hold people to it. If there's a time limit, keep people accountable. Make introductions, set ground rules. Don't just start things at the beginning and then sit back to let the gathering run itself.
On the other hand, some hosts are very interested in control. They may put their needs ahead of those of their guests, using their power as host to make themself feel more comfortable at the expense of others. Being too rigid in applying rules, hogging attention, etc. Whether it's the CEO dominating a meeting that was supposed to solicit suggestions equally from everyone, or a dinner party host forcing everyone to play a party game they don't want to.
Between these two is the balance of using the power of host centering the benefit of the guests and the purpose of the gathering. Hold people accountable kindly, gently redirect people back to the gathering's purpose.
Etiquette vs rules / Create a temporary alternate world
Etiquette is very difficult to learn and only applies within a very specific social context. Explicit rules for a gathering, like "no phones" or "no plus ones" or "must wear white from head to toe" may seem overbearing at first, but allow people outside of a closed social context to participate by leveling the playing field. And the rules provided may differ from those of expected etiquette, allowing for the gathering to create a little bubble of altered expectations. Le Diner en Blanc as an example of a social gathering with defined rules that differ significantly from etiquette.
By setting specific rules that only apply temporarily within the scope of the gathering, you can alter the way people behave, relate, feel, connect with others. Knowing what the rules are (because they're explicit) and knowing that they're temporary helps people let go of their rigid sense of how things "should be" and go with the flow of the gathering as the host intends.
Pre-game
Don't focus on the "things" of the events like the agenda or the food, or at least don't do so to the extent you forget about the most important thing: the people. You can design the menu ahead of time, but you can also influence the guests before they arrive so they bring the best version of themselves to the event. Don't start influencing them when the event starts; start influencing them with the invitation. From the name of the event to the details in the invitation (including rules!) to asking for feedback/questionnaires to poking them with additional information in the time between the invitation and when the gathering starts. You can even do this while escorting them across the threshold into the event, eg by introducing them to people before it officially starts. Prepare people for the event in proportion to what you'll be asking of them during the event. Think of how you can poke people in the direction of proper state of mind on arrival. Do you need them to arrive energized, contemplative, studious, energized, active, relaxed, on guard? What can you do to prompt them into that state in the time between notifying them of the gathering and it actually starting? Tell them which doors will be open and which will be closed, use Concept chaining to connect them with relevant information or previous gatherings for context, use novelty and intrigue to prime them to come with an open mind and pay attention. Especially as you usher them across the threshold, help them leave unhelpful things outside of the gathering, whether that's a cell phone that will distract them or thoughts about how harrowing traffic was to get there.
The flip side of this is that your communications to the guests before the event establish the social contract of what they're going to receive in exchange for their time and whatever prep work you're requesting. Make sure they are going to be happy; no bait and switch. You don't have to abandon mystery entirely, but give them enough of an idea what to expect that they can make an informed decision whether to come or not. This is especially important for people (like me!) who have a lot of social anxiety, letting them know you'll hold their hand the whole way through.
After priming, after ushering, comes launching: the actual start of the event. Show your guests that they belong and what to expect. Don't get business out of the way at the start, thank people or discuss logistics. The start of the event is the time to cement the gathering's purpose in the minds of the guests; tell them where the bathrooms are later. Setting the tone in the opening allows guests to bring themselves into the temporary world, take risks, be social. Let people show up as whole people, not just their professional personas. Galvanize the guests into a tribe unified in purpose and connected to each other. "I see you" and "I am here."
Realness
Sometimes people show up to gatherings prepared to present themselves as they wish to be seen: confident, expressive, invulnerable, even if we've primed them to be otherwise. This can interfere with people connecting genuinely, so including things during the gathering to help people be people can help, and leading by example is one way to do that. Anonymity, rules, setting can help frame it but what do you do once things are rolling? Toast, crucible moments, asking people to share vulnerable things, push for experiences over ideas. But why do they say yes?
Story is about a decision that you made. It's not about what happens to you. And if you hit that and you get your vulnerability and you understand the stakes, and a few other things, people will intuitively find great stories to tell, and as soon as they do, we know them.
- George Dawes Green
A darker "theme" for the gathering can help people be more genuine, since we're often expected to put up a happy front for people. Darkness is part of everyone, acknowledging and inviting that can improve connection and realness. And it's sometimes easier to do that with strangers, or with people who feel new because you've learned something new or come to see them in a new way during the gathering.
Be explicit about what you want inside your gathering and what should be left outside. Basically the same close door idea implemented in pre-game but now done at the opening of the vent. Eg you can tell them to leave the posturing, successes, resume at the door and bring their half-baked ideas and the things they're still figuring out. Lead by example; show them how to connect by listening deeply and sharing authentically, even more than you expect of them. Pick a general theme that allows participants to choose how much vulnerability to display; be authentic but how intimate is a choice left to the participant? That seems to contradict requiring them to share at all.
Controversy
Don't avoid politics, sex, and religion. Some of this criticism seems warranted, but the equating of "never ruffle feathers" with student protesting literal war criminals being given prestigious commencement speeches is irritating. Town hall meetings where no input is really sought and no changes to the status quo are allowed to be proposed are definitely problematic. Avoiding all controversy results in boring gatherings, but allowing too much will just make people angry and hate your gathering. Sweet spot is possible but needs to be built into the event structure. Ritual can do that safely, eg boxing ring instead of out-and-out brawl. Fight Club. Heat doesn't have to be the whole purpose of the event, perhaps a piece of it around a particularly contentious topic. Get feedback in private, anonymize it, share it with the group, have people note what resonates with them, identify areas of common ground and areas of contention publicly. Assess the risk vs reward for including heat in the gathering and how much.
Endings
Gatherings shouldn't simply stop, ended by the clock. They should be closed. Gauge reactions, connect people with each other and the purpose. Reflect on how the experience has gone for host and guests. This is the moment that decides what taste guests have in their mouth at the end of the gathering, how they will choose to remember it. How you demark the ending of the alternate reality and the return to the mundane. Accept that your gathering will die. Help people face the ending rather than futile trying to postpone it or going out with a whimper. Last call gives people an opportunity to leave if they're ready, finish any business before the meeting ends, puts them in wrap-it-up mindset, soft close. Let guests choose when to leave vs emancipate them using host power is a cultural norm? Apparently there is some kind of balance where you end after people are comfortable with it ending and before people have turned into pumpkins. Two parts: reflect on how it's gone and reconnect with others, and then prepare to reenter the wider world. Remind people they're mortal, ask for their famous last words. Phase two: dealing with ending, emotions of separating, what do I want to carry from this gathering into the rest of my life? Being at a gathering can create an identity within a group for its duration, and losing that identity at the end of it can be hard. How do I treat people who were here, what am I allowed to tell others about what happened here?
Don't end with logistics. No thank-you slide at the end of the presentation. If you want to do thank-yous, do honorings of the person instead of thanks for their role? People take risks by throwing gatherings and by attending them, and that risk deserves to be acknowledged. Recall the gathering's original purpose. Give people chocolate as they leave.
Pages that link here: